Internal Obstacles

One specific topic I found interesting this week was internal obstacles. I feel like reading about these internal obstacles was very informative. In addition, by acknowledging these obstacles I’m now able to overcome them and become a better listener. I often suffer from preoccupation. There have been many times were I have a test later on in the day or week, and as a result that is the only thing I am focusing on during my other classes. Now that I realize this is a problem to my listening, I can use Anna Deavere Smith’s tactic of “emptying” myself out when I’m listening. I don’t often prejudge, or think I know what’s going to be said, so I didn’t feel this internal obstacle was too applicable. I recognize the validity of the internal obstacle of reacting to emotionally loaded language in politics. You can clearly see how politicians consciously use words with a positive emotional meaning in order to appeal to more of the general public. However, I have a hard time recognizing that it happens much elsewhere, other than a few people here and there. Lack of effort, however, is another internal obstacle I definitely need to learn to overcome. It’s easy for my to just lie back and listen when someone’s speaking, but making an effort to ask questions and engage the speaker will definitely make for better conversation. The last internal obstacle discussed was not realizing and adjusting to diverse listening styles. I feel like this cultural obstacle is widely recognized, and as a result many people consciously try to overcome it in day to day interactions. All five of these internal obstacles are important to acknowledge in order to become a better listener.

Listening is a Ten Part Skill

Through reading Ralph G. Nichol's "Listening is a 10 Part Skill", I learned a lot about how to be a better listener. A few ideas especially caught my eye that I'd like to work on personally. I learned that it's better to listen for central ideas than for facts. I know I find myself listening for facts most of the time when I am in a lecture class, and as a result, I take down an overload of information. If I instead only focused on finding the central idea, I could save myself some time and energy. Going along with that, I also need to learn a few more styles of note taking in order to become more flexible. I would have believed that note-taking and outlining were near synonymous. However, after further thought, I agree that note-taking for me often becomes a distraction to where I focus more on mindlessly writing words than listening to the actual points. If I could come up with a few more "systems" of taking notes, perhaps I could better retain and understand the information I was receiving. Another new idea I found to work on is capitalizing on thought speed. I had no idea that we think for times faster than we speak! It's understandable then that many people subconsciously become impatient with the speaker's slowness and let our thoughts run at their normal speed. I am guilty of doing this when I feel like the person speaking to me is saying too little to be worth my time. I let my thoughts take over and only appear to be listening, which could later result in me missing important information. Therefore, I need to work on anticipating what the speaker is going to say, mentally summarize their message, weigh the speaker's evidence, and listen between the lines. If I practice these four things, I will be able to slow down my brain to fully listen to people when they speak to me and avoid becoming easily distracted. This little booklet taught me a lot about being a good listener, and I will definitely use some of its ideas to help make myself a better listener.

Nonlistening

There are six different forms of nonlistening. In pseudolistening, one pretends to listen, while in monopolizing, one manipulates the conversation to be all about themselves. Selective listening involves focusing on only parts of communication, and defensive listening involves perceiving negative criticisms or attacks when there are none. Ambushing is listening for the purpose of attacking the speaker, and literal listening is listening only for content and ignoring relationship meaning. I tend to participate in both pseudolistening and some monopolizing. There are times when I feel like the person I'm speaking to is going on about only themselves and not making it a two-person conversation, and then I will either pseudolisten or start talking only about myself. Also, I often find myself pseudolistening in classes. In order to overcome this pseudolistening, I will start making an effort to consciously realize when the conversation is getting to the point of me not wanting to listen. Then I will either engage the other person to bring the conversation back to a two way communication, or I will leave the conversation. Rather than monopolizing, I will start asking questions about things that interest me, so that I will be able to be a part of the conversation with the other person. Although I listen actively for the most part, there are definitely times when I find myself nonlistening, and I should try to change that for myself.

American Society Metaphors

Most everyone at one point or another has heard America described as a giant melting pot of cultures. In essence, it is a positive thought. It portrays our nation as accepting of all different people, and that they all mix together to form one loyal and united society. Upon closer thought, however, the melting pot metaphor does not seem to hold its ground. In a melting pot metaphor, individuals lose their individuality and everyone in society become exactly the same. Instead, I would propose the Reverend Jesse Jackson's rainbow metaphor. In a rainbow, there are many different colors, which are all unique and distinctly separate from one another. Each person in America has their own unique culture, ways, and qualities. Like the colors in the rainbow, no two people are exactly alike. However, a rainbow would not be a rainbow if it did not have all of the different distinct colors. Society in America would not exist as a nation if it did not have all of the different type of people and cultures as well. This metaphor not only recognizes and appreciates peoples differences, but it also acknowledges the fact that everyone is important and vital to the society as a whole.

Language is Rule Guided

I found the concept of rules in verbal communication to be a very interesting idea this week. When one thinks about having a conversation, usually following the rules of communication isn't really an issue. However, they are generally followed naturally. Regulative rules, which specify the when, where, with whom, and how to talk, are slightly more obvious than the constitutive rules. Regulative rules regulate conversation. For instance, in my family a regulative rule about conversation is that we do not discuss finances with my father, but rather with my mother. Another regulative rule with my family is that we do not argue when we have guests over. Constitutive rules specify how to interpret specific kinds of communication and are slightly more socially generalized. For example, when meeting a new person it is appropriate to smile, introduce yourself, and shake hands, which is a constitutive rule. These rules, although not stated or written down, regulate our conversation daily subconsciously. They help conversations run smoothly and appropriately according to both particular and generalized others.

Hate Speech

Hate speech is hurtful language that degrades another person or group of people. Due to the First Amendment, anyone can participate in hate speech so long as it is not libel, obscenities, or fighting words. It is difficult to regulate it on the web due to the First Amendment providing freedom of speech. On the web, I think that websites that choose to participate in hate speech should have a warning as their home page, just as pornography sites are required to. In order to enter the site, viewers must be notified of the possibly offensive content and required to acknowledge that they are aware of what they are about to view. Off the web, I'm not sure what more can be done due to the limiting First Amendment. It's truly a touchy area. I definitely think it should somehow be banned from necessary public places such as hospitals and schools. Places like these are vital to people's lives and not an option to not visit, and as a result people who are offended by hate speech should not have to worry about hearing it. Other public places that are not as necessary to a person's well being, such as concert venues, restaurants, and shopping malls, it is not necessary to ban hate speech. If someone is using hate speech and another is offended, in unnecessary places the offended can leave and choose to shop at a different store or eat at a different restaurant. This solution I do not believe would be a violation of our freedom of speech, but rather a modification for the sake of vital necessities. In no way do I think this is fair, however, I believe it is the most practical solution for society at this time. In addition, I believe a lighter way to help stop hate speech would be to begin teaching awareness of it in schools. Perhaps a program could be created, similar to D.A.R.E., where young students would be exposed to it and taught that although it is a choice, for their sake and others around them it would be best for them to choose not to engage in it.

The Twenties Throughout the Ages

I spoke with my grandma and Jerry, her spouse, about what society accepted and didn’t accept when they were twenty.
My grandma said that when she was twenty, women were expected to be living at home with their parents. They might have a job in the city as a secretary or typist. The father was the boss of the house, and he set strict rules for the young women. Any dates had to be brought to him at the house for approval. However, it was inappropriate for the woman to ask the man for a date, because they shouldn’t appear anxious. Women had to play hard to get, but weren’t allowed to flirt or drink excessively. Society was a lot stricter she said. Apparel-wise, women wouldn’t wear a dress without hose, and chewing gum in public was prohibited. A hat was always worn in church, and when going out a woman couldn’t wear anything revealing. It was inappropriate for women to aspire to be professionals, because they were “expected to have children, bring them up to be good Christians, to be seen and not head, to do well in school, and to respect their country.”
Jerry explained to me what was expected of men. The goal was “to finish your service in the military, find an apartment, find a job, meet the right woman, get married, and have children.” After that, twenty year old men would be expected to make enough money to get a house, regardless of how many jobs that required, and make enough money to send their kids to college and live the “American Dream”. The man was the head of the household, and expected the woman to do all the housework and entertain his friends when they visited. However, it was inappropriate to expect the woman to do heavy work. It wasn’t appropriate to expect women to open car or building doors, and the man could not tell colored jokes in front of women. It was inappropriate for men to go out in public shirtless.
I also spoke with my mother and father about life during their twenties.
My dad said that when he was twenty men were expected to go to college, and most men worked during college in order to have spending money. When they lived at home during the summers, men were expected to keep their parents advised at all times of their whereabouts. They were expected to be considerate to family and friends, and there was no sense of entitlement. After college, men were expected to get a job and live on their own. It was not appropriate for men to not have a plan for after college. It was also inappropriate to expect their parents to pay for things after college, although most parents did provide “fallback” support. When men dressed for church and special occasions, it was inappropriate to wear jeans or tshirts. It was also inappropriate for men to be rude or drunk in public, or to cause any sort of argument or scene.
My mom told me she couldn't remember very much about how things were yesterday, let alone when she was twenty! But then she went on to describe a little of what she did remember. She said women weren't expected to go to college. Also, it was extremely inappropriate according to society for women to get pregnant and be a single mom on their own. Living together with a boyfriend and not being married was also inappropriate. In public, bra straps were extremely inappropriate!
Many things have changed in society today for twenty year olds. Rules in society have become more unisex, meaning there is less of a separate list for men and women. Women have become more equal with men as well, and are now expected to go to college and hold a career just as much as any man. Women dress more freely, and I certainly see a lot of bra straps in public! Also, formal events and church have gotten less dress code strict, as it's become acceptable at times to substitute slacks or a dress for a nice pair of jeans and a nice top. Women no longer do all the work in the household, and men are no longer the sole provider for the house. Basically, society has become more liberal and twenty year old men and women have become more equal since my parents and grandmother were twenty. I am extremely happy that things have changed, because I certainly could never imagine sitting at home all day doing nothing but cleaning and cooking...that would be horrible.

Communication with Family Members

I definitely have parts of my identity as a result of communication with my family. I experienced a secure attachment style when I was younger, and I can see that it helped me be confident, affectionate, and able to deal with any difficult situations. I find it interesting that the likelihood of developing a specific attachment style depends on your socioeconomic class. It does make sense though that those with less money experience harsher conditions, and as a result may raise their children differently than those with more money and easier conditions. However, according to a recent study, one can change their attachment style. It showed that although a parental attachment style is formed first, a romantic partner could help the individual change their attachment style. Basically, our attachment styles can be altered by those we currently have intimate relationships with. This could be good for those who have negative attachment styles and have a positive relationship, or bad if vice versa. I believe, however, that the individual has the ultimate control over whether their style changes or not.

What is Race?

Race is a category many people choose to place upon themselves and others. It is based on heritage, skin color, essentially where one “came from”. It can have either a negative or positive connotation, but when defined most always has some sort of impact on the individual. As a result, I do not believe race is a useful way to classify people. Most people are not simply one race, but rather a combination of many races, so in the first place it would be hard to classify many people’s race. Grouping people by one specific race would not be accurate grouping as a result. Secondly, as Claude Steele’s experiment showed, announcing one’s specific race can cause the individual to portray stereotypes which may not benefit them. I also believe that the Census Bureau should allow people to check multiple races to define themselves. Constricting people to a single race is not accurate in many cases, and will cause the data collected to be skewed as well. All in all, race is an important factor of identity to recognize in each individual. However, it has become so mixed in society that using it to classify or stereotype a person is ineffective and not appropriate.

Meanings

Creating shared meanings is a key component of interpersonal communication. One of the most obvious times it is seen is in intimate relationships, due to the fact that these people have spent much time and growth together throughout their relationship. Meanings can also be shared in less intimate relationships, such as those of coworkers or classmates. These shared meanings are commonly light, such as an inside joke phrase about a teacher between classmates. There are two different types of meanings. Content meanings refer to the literal meaning, such as when a teacher says "Do your homework." Relationship meanings refer to what two people's communication expresses about their relationship to each other. When a teacher says "Do your homework," they are giving a command to the students, showing that they have authority in the student-teacher relationship. A relationship meaning has three aspects- responsiveness, liking, and power.
I believe that meanings are extremely important in a relationship. They help relate intimacy in a relationship, such as when a girlfriend and boyfriend have a "codeword" or nicknames for each other. They also help establish power in a relationship, such as when a father gives his son a command. Without meanings, communication would be flat, because there would be no shared context for conversation other than the literal. Meanings reflect a long term period of interaction in a relationship, and are a crucial factor for effective interpersonal communication in my opinion.